Les Miserables for Dummies
by The Lark
Summary: Got a book report? Abridged version too long for you? Just read this


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Les Miserables for Dummies

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Disclaimer: Les Miserables isn't mine. Nothing is mine except for a broken-down PC and some old sticks of gum.

Jean Valjean: I steal a loaf of bread to feed my starving family, and they send me to jail for nineteen years? Talk about overreacting! Ah, well, it's all over, at least, and now I can get on with my life.

Random Citizens: Nope, sorry. Ex-cons are evil, corrupt creatures. Begone from our sight.

Valjean: Dorks. Man, humanity sucks! God sucks! Life sucks!

Bishop Myriel: Aw, don't talk like that. How do you do? I'm Bishop Myriel, man of God and all-around saint. Come on inside--you can stay at my place tonight.

Valjean: Thanks, man! You're alright. Unfortunately, I'm feeling disillusioned at the moment *swipes the silver*

Bishop Myriel: That's okay. Just as long as you obey God from now on. 

Valjean: Really? Thanks! Wow, maybe everything doesn't suck so much after all. I'm going to settle down, get elected mayor, and become a philanthropist! Here, people of Montreuil sur Mer--have some money! *throws money at hungry masses*

Fauchelevent: *trapped under a cart* Hey, do you give non-monetary assistance too?

Valjean: Sure thing! *lifts the cart off him*

Inspector Javert: Well, that's a little odd. I've only heard of one other guy strong enough to do that--an escaped convict. Oh, what am I thinking? How dare I think ill of a superior official? *bangs his head repeatedly* It's all because of my dysfunctional family--they never taught me proper respect for the law

Valjean: Man, that cop sure has issues.

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Meanwhile, someplace nearby…

Fantine: *fangirlish sigh* I love you, Felix Tholomyes.

Tholomyes: That so? Stupid of you, really, me being such a cold-hearted jerk. *ditches her* Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get home and tend to my beloved trust fund

Fantine: But what about me and the baby?

Tholomyes: *shrug* That's _your_ problem.

Fantine: *dramatic sobbing* Lousy deadbeat. Well, Cosette, looks like Mommy's going to have to send you to live with evil step-parents before we both become wretched outcasts from society. *leaves Cosette with the Thenardiers* I'll send support payments, soon as I get a job.

Valjean: Well, today's your lucky day. I happen to be handing out jobs right and left

The Thenardiers: Yay! Money, money, money, money, money! Give us more!

Fantine: But I'm working myself into an early grave as it is.

The Thenardiers: Tell it to someone who cares.

Fantine: But how am I going to find enough money to support my secret illegitimate child?

Valjean: Your _what_? 

Fantine: Er, nothing…

Valjean: Evil, corrupt creature! I won't have my sweatshop tainted with your kind! Begone from my sight!

Fantine: Woe is me. Wonder what else I can do for money? Hmm, hookers seem to be in high demand right now…

Javert: Evil, corrupt creature! To jail with you!

Fantine: *sigh* And on top of it all, I think I'm coming down with TB. Man, life sucks!

Valjean: Aw, poor girl. Maybe I was too rough on her. Never fear--Valjean is here! I'll give you money and bring your daughter to live with you!

Fantine: Yay!

Javert: You're way too nice, Monsieur Mayor. Oh, and by the way, we've arrested that convict who I thought was you. 

Valjean: What? Well, I can't let another guy take the rap for me. On the other hand, I've been doing a lot of good here, and if I go to jail, the town will end up in a shambles. *rationalizes for a couple of chapters* Oh, well, looks like I'd better just confess

Javert: Mwahahahahaha! I knew it! Yes, I was right! Haha! I'm the man! *insert victory dance here*

Fantine: What? But if he's in the slammer, then who's going to take care of me and my poor Cosette?

Javert: Nobody, that's who! Mwahahahaha! 

Fantine: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *dies*

Valjean: *frown* Now look what ya done! Well, now I have to get out of here and go rescue her kid. You can either let me go in peace, or I can bash your head in. What'll it be?

Javert: Oh, the bashing, by all means!

Thenardier: All hail the Almighty Dollar…er, Almighty Franc

Mme. Thenardier: Here, here! Now, where is little Cosette? She hasn't had her hourly beating yet.

Cosette: *sigh* Life sucks

Valjean: Never fear--Valjean is here! I'll take care of you, kiddo. Here, have a dolly.

Thenardier: Hey, you can't steal our slave child!

Valjean: Will this shut you up? *slips him money*

Thenardier: For the time being

Valjean: Let's see, now, where can we go to avoid the law?

Fauchelevent: You can come live in the convent of Perpetual Adoration with me, since you saved my life and all. I'll tell 'em you're my brother.

Valjean: Swell. That way, I can steep my new daughter in religion while we lay low. Then she can join the convent when she's old enough

Cosette: *now grown* But Dad, I don't want to be a nun.

Valjean: Okay. In that case, I guess I can always take you to Paris and do more philanthropy…

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Meanwhile, in Paris…

Gavroche: Ow d'ya do? My name's Gavroche! I'm the Thenardier's cast-off son. Children like me are men, and men like you are children. Wanna make something of it?

Gavroche's long-lost brothers: Help! We're pitiful!

Gavroche: Never fear--Gavroche is here! I'll show you _momes_ the ropes, just as soon as I rescue our old man from the slammer. 

The Brothers: Okay. Cool.

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Meanwhile, above the poverty line…

Marius Pontmercy: Hi, I'm Marius Pontmercy, Mary-Sue character extraordinaire. Oh well, at least I'm cute.

Grandfather Gillenormand: And I'm his grandfather. I love him to itty-bitty bits, but hopefully, if I hit him and yell at him enough, he won't notice.

Marius: What a jerk. Soon as I pass the bar, I am _soooo_ outta here!

Gillenormand: Come here, Marius. Your old man is on his deathbed, and he wants you to go see him right away.

Marius: Why? I haven't seen him since you stole me from him.

Gillenormand: Hey, I did you a favor! Blood-drinking Bonapartists like him aren't fit to raise children! *trails off into a tirade*

Marius: *knocks on his dad's door* Yo, pops, it's me, your long lost, ingrate son! Open up! 

Random Extra: Too late, kid. He's dead.

Marius. That so? Pity. Can I go now?

Random Extra: Not so fast--he left you this note. What's it say?

Marius: Oh, nothing much--just that he wants me to carry on some bogus barony he got from Napoleon. That, and to try and repay some guy named Thenardier who saved his life during the Battle of Waterloo. What a bunch of baloney. I'm going home. But first, I think I'll stop by the church, since spirituality appears to be a prerequisite to become a hero in a Hugo novel.

Mabeuf: Hey, I remember you! Your relatives used to bring you in here for church when you were a kid. Your dad would sit in the back, crying over you the whole time, since that was the only way he could manage to see you.

Marius: Really? Maybe he wasn't such a deadbeat after all. Well, from now on, I'm going to be a Napoleon-obsessed revolutionary, just like my daddy wanted!

Mabeuf: Go for it, kiddo.

Marius: Grandfather, I've decided to become a Napoleon-obsessed revolutionary. Down with the Bourbons and that great hog Louis XVIII!

Gillenormand: What? I go to all the trouble to steal you from your father and beat you with my cane for seventeen years, and this is how you repay me? Begone from my sight!

Marius: Wow, I'm a penniless revolutionary. This is so cool! Now all I need to do is find some cramped, run-down hovel to live in, making my image complete.

Laigle: I think I could help you there.

Marius: Who are you?

Laigle: My name is Laigle. I'm a member of Les Amis de l'ABC, a really cool revolutionary society made up of idealistic, semi-suicidal college students.

Marius: Sounds great.

Laigle: Yeah. There's nine of us. I'm the unlucky one

Joly: I'm the hypochondriac one

Feuilly: I'm the poor one

Combeferre: I'm the philosophical one

Jehan: I'm the poetic one

Bahorel: I'm the rowdy one

Courfeyrac: I'm the charming one

Grantaire: I'm the drunken one

Enjolras: And I'm the radiant one

Laigle: Courfeyrac, this fellow revolutionary needs someplace to crash.

Courfeyrac: No problemo. I'll set you up in the Gorbeau tenement

Marius: Wow, this place is a dump. Perfect!

Courfeyrac: You're weird. I like that. Let's be friends.

Marius: Okay!

Courfeyrac: Wanna come to a meeting with the other revolutionaries?

Marius: Okay! 

Enjolras: Hear ye, hear ye, I hereby call this meeting of Les Amis de l'ABC to order. First on the agenda--praying before a statue of Rousseau. Then, when we're through with that, we'll go and practice heroic poses for our upcoming death scenes.

Marius: Hey, aren't we going to talk about Napoleon?

Les Amis: Bonaparte sucks. 

Marius: No way! Napoleon's a god!

Combeferre: Um, hello? He was a freaking dictator. The Republic was _way_ better

Marius: I guess they have a point. Man, I hate it when other people are right! Screw this revolutionary stuff…from now on I'll just spend every night sitting alone in my hovel, translating books for bowls of soup and occasionally spying on the neighbors. Say, I wonder what they're up to tonight? *peeks through a hole in the wall*

Thenardier (alias, Jondrette): Hiya. While all those other plotlines have been plodding along, I've been sinking into a life of outright crime. These are my cronies, Patron-Minette

Claquesous: I'm the creepy one

Gueulemer: I'm the big one

Montparnasse: I'm the pretty one.

Babet: I'm a random ventriloquist

Brujon: And I'm just here to provide another quirky link back to the first half of the story

Thenardier: Now, back to the story. Dieu, I'm poor!

Eponine and Azelma: *miserable sigh* Yep

Thenardier: Hey, did I say you could talk? *beats them over the head* Now, as I was saying, how on earth are we going to pay our rent?

Marius: Those poor people! I think I'll pay their rent for them. Gotta have some way to work philanthropy into this novel until the protagonist comes back into the spotlight, after all

Thenardier: Hey, kids, the guy next door paid our rent for us. Eponine, go over there and milk him for all he's worth.

Eponine: Yes, Daddy…*goes next door* Wow! You're prettyful! I looooooove you! *latches onto his leg* 

Marius: Ew, a gamine--get it off of me! *pulls free* Screw this--I'm going to the park.

Valjean: *in a carriage at the park* Thank God this stupid tangent about the schoolboy is over and we can now get back to important matters, like me. Isn't that right, pumpkin?

Cosette: Whatever you say, Daddy

Marius: *conveniently crosses their path* Dude, that girl is fine! I think I'm in love!

Cosette: Ditto

Marius: *thinking* What am I going to do now? I suppose I ought to introduce myself…no, that's much too forward. Maybe I'll just stalk her for a year or two. At least this way, we can maintain a staring relationship

Cosette: Mmm, that stalker of mine is so hot!

Valjean: *thinking* I can't let that boy steal my baby. I bought her, fair and square! That's it! *aloud* Cosette, we're never coming to this park again

Marius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't live without being able to see…er, what was her name? *shrug* I guess I'll just call her Ursula till I think of something better to write in my book covers

Cosette: *sigh* That's okay, Daddy. I guess I'll just have to settle for flirting with soldiers from behind the fence until you see the light

Valjean: That's my girl. Come on, let's go out and do some philanthropy while we wait for the story to progress.

Cosette: Okay. Where're we going?

Valjean: To see some poor people named Jondrette

Marius: *at his wall, up to his usual voyeurism* Hey, it's Ursula!

Thenardier: *to Valjean* Remember me?

Valjean: Uh-oh. *to Cosette* Go on home, pumpkin

Thenardier: *to Valjean* Now, gimme money, or I'll kill your precious Lark!

Valjean: Who? Oh, right, Cosette. Okay, don't get hysterical, Thenardier.

Marius: Thenardier? Hey, that's the name of the guy who saved my dad. Oh well. I have a new object of my obsession to think about now. I'm calling the cops.

Javert: Tell me quickly, what's the story? Who saw what and why and where? Let him give a full description, let him answer to Javert!

Valjean: Hello ironic plot twist! *bolts for it*

Marius: Well, that was odd. Now, back to Ursula…or Lark, or whatever the hell her name is…Eponine, I bet you know where she lives?

Eponine: Yeah. But if I take you to her, it will crush all my fragile hopes that you'll come around and start returning my love someday.

Marius: Doesn't bother me.

Eponine: 54, Rue Plumet, then

Marius: Yay! Now, should I try introducing myself now, or not? *thinks a moment* No, I've barely been stalking her for a year. Better just leave her a note, for now. *leaves note*

Cosette: *reads it* Love is a subliminal respiration of the air of Paradise…Love is a salutation of the angel to the stars…yatta yatta yatta…hey, this is pretty cute. I bet that dreamy stalker of mine sent it!

Marius: Right as rain, baby! I love ya!

Cosette: Ditto! So, I guess now we'll be getting married or something?

Marius: Now, darling, don't you think that's a little forward? It's only been a year. Let's just meet in secret in your backyard every night to hold hands and giggle, for the time being

Cosette: Okay!

Thenardier: *six weeks later* Hey, I still haven't gotten my revenge yet. Patron-Minette, let's rob this place!

Eponine: Oh no, you don't! That baron with whom I am dangerously obsessed would be crushed if I let you attack his girlfriend!

Valjean: What's all that noise out back? Uh-oh, it must be that obsessed police inspector. Man, running from the law isn't as easy as it looks. Guess there's only one thing left to do. Skip the country! Hurry and pack, Cosette

Marius and Cosette: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't live without my sugarplum!

Cosette: What're we gonna do?

Marius: Guess we could always get hitched. Course, I'm under-aged, so I'd have to get permission from my grandfather. *gulp*

Gillenormand: Dream on, you brat

Marius: Oh, woe, I want to die!

Eponine: What a coincidence. Your friends are planning a hopeless uprising against the swells who run this show.

Marius: That'll do nicely! *runs to the barricade with a keg of powder* 

Enjolras: *waving a big red flag* _Red, the blood of angry men! Black, the dark of ages past! Red, a world about to dawn! Black, the night that ends at laaaaaaaaaaaaaaast!_

National Guard: You're on your own, you have no friends! Give up your guns or die!

Marius: Get back or I'll blow up the barricade! Don't mess with me, people--I have a death wish!

Les Amis: Right on! Sic 'em, Bonaparte Boy!

Marius: *climbs down* Heh heh. That'll teach 'em to mess with-- *trips* Gah! Eponine? What are you doing on the ground?

Eponine: Well, while you were up there yelling at the soldiers, I was taking a bullet for you.

Marius: That so? Whatever for?

Eponine: Um, hello? I'm hopelessly in love with you.

Marius: Really? Go figure.

Eponine: Yeah. But since you've already got a girlfriend, I guess I'll just roll over and die now.

Marius: Okay, then. Catch you on the flipside

Javert: *at the barricade, spying for the enemy* What's the deal, here? Am I the only cop in France?

Gavroche: Wait a sec--I know you! Hey, Fearless Leader, this guy's a spy!

Enjolras: Sweet! Let's kill him

Javert: *deep sigh* Well, at least I'll have died in defense of the status quo

Valjean: Not so fast! Saintly protagonist coming through! Javert, you're free to go.

Javert: You came to save me? You, a convict? An evil cancer on the face of humanity? *clutches his head* Circuits overloading! Error! Error! *jumps off Pont Notre Dame*

Valjean: Well, actually I came to rescue that schoolboy, so my daughter won't be bummed out. This was just kind of a bonus

Enjolras: Rescue Marius? That'll have to wait, my good man. We're busy shooting soldiers and shouting heroic Republican slogans.

Les Amis: Vivent les peuples! Vive la future! Vive la France!

Gavroche: Je suis tombe par terre, c'est la faut a Voltaire!

Grantaire: *drunk, as usual* Do you have to be so loud? I'm trying to sleep, here!

Enjolras: Shut up, you useless winecask. I'm trying to make one last heroic monologue!

National Guardman #1: *takes aim* So long, you lousy Republican

National Guardsman #2: *sigh* Pity to kill someone so pretty, though

Enjolras: *strikes statuesque pose* So long, Patria

Grantaire: Well, if you're going to kill my beloved idol, you may as well kill me too. *pause* Um…not that I'm gay or anything

Enjolras: Hey, I guess you're not such a worthless idiot after all. Sorry about all that emotional abuse I put you through

National Guard: *bang bang* Heh heh! We got 'em all!

Valjean: Not quite all! *runs for his life, tripping over an unconscious Marius* Oh, right, the boy…Well, I'm feeling generous tonight, so I guess I _won't_ leave the little player to die. *drags him through the sewer*

Victor Hugo: *launches into the hated Paris sewer documentary*

Gillenormand: My ingrate grandson is wounded? Aww, poor little dickens! *hugs Marius, cooing stupidly*

Marius: What? Where am I? I'm supposed to be dead, blast it all!

Valjean: You're home now. And there's more good news--we've had an unexplained change of heart, and have decided to let you two happy kids get hitched after all!

Marius and Cosette: Yay! I get to marry my sugarplum!

Valjean: Well, now that my baby's taken care of, I guess I'll just crawl off into a hole and die.

Marius: Don't let the door hit you on the way out

Thenardier: That dude saved your life. 

Marius: Really?

Thenardier: Now gimme money. Money, money, money, money, money!

Marius: I've been so blind…again. Cosette, let's go see your old man!

Cosette: Yippee!

Valjean: Too late--I'm about ready to croak. *croaks*

Marius and Cosette: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THE END


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